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Just For FunSubmitted by rugbybitt77 on 30 August 2007 - 1:38am.
Rugby Positions
Front Row: Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking." Locks: Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group's maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking"- they are usually just dumb. Back Row: These are fine, fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game. Scrum Half: Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest back almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile. Fly Half: His primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honor at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell are ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually light on his feet. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose. Centers: Usually come in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities. Back 3: While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all bleeping bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win" - how cute. Well, I have a saying too: it's "You're a bleeping bleep!!" These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin', wine sippin', sweet-talkers in the corner avoiding the beer swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are purty to look at.
The Unofficial " Rugby Survival Guide" for Rugby Neophytes
Let's keep it simple at the beginning. 1. Hit anything that is carrying the ball.Note: Generally you will be more popular if that happens to be a person on the other team, also the referee is not a good target. 2. When you get the ball run like hell!Note: Your teammates would prefer that to be in the direction of your opponents goal area. Second Game
Mastering the pass. 1. Pass the ball backwards to a teammate that is in a better position to advance the ball.Note: Screaming and throwing the ball up in the air to avoid being hit is considered "bad form". 2. Follow slightly behind your teammate who is carrying the ball so that you can receive a pass.Note: If you drop the ball continuously, you will become what they call a "prop forward". Third Game
Mastering the kick. 1. Kick the ball forward over your opponents head and catch it on the run.Note: If you are a forward then dropping the ball near your foot and kicking anyone in the vicinity is good enough. Subtleties of the Game
Now that you have mastered running, tackling, passing and kicking we'll cover some of the finer points: The Ruck: This is a situation where 3 to 20 people pile on top of the tackled player. The play is whistled by the the referee when all the air has been compressed out of the tackled player's lungs. The Maul: Instead of being tackled to ground, the player is kept on his feet by the tacklers. The object is to bend as many of the ball carrier's fingers away from the ball. The play is whistled by the referee after the first cracking sound. The Line Out: When the ball goes out of the playing area a "throw in" is awarded. The object is to elbow the opposing player's face while attempting to catch the ball. Offside: In a ruck or maul situation you are not allowed to "steal" the ball from the opposition by running behind the play. It is mandatory that you step on or over the tackled player first. Scrum: The eight forwards bind together and push against the other forwards. The object is to allow the forwards to beat and bruise each other and give the backs a chance to catch their breath.
Rugby Intelligence Exam
1. My favorite position is: q q a. Touch Judge q q b. Anywhere q q c .Missionary q q d .CEO 2. 2. Before a match I should always:
q q a. Eat q q b. Bathe q q c. Be sure to have a BM q q d. All of the above 3. 3. If my opponent is laying on the ground I should:
q q a. Offer a hand up q q b. Ask what he’s doing down there q q c. Step on him q q d. Check his pulse 4. 4. Whenever I have the ball I should:
q q a. Pass it to one of those little guys q q b. Eat it q q c. Kick it real far q q d. Score 5. 5. The most important thing to have on the pitch is:
q q a. A surly attitude q q b. My shorts q q c. Food q q d. Tiny opposing forwards 6. 6. When the Referee says I am ‘fringing” I:
q q a. Need to hem my shorts q q b. Hit him q q c. Run back 10 meters q q d. Have no idea what he is talking about 7. 7. In rugby a “try” is:
q q a. A touchdown q q b. Worth 5 points q q c. Something the backs never do q q d. I have no idea 8. 8. The thing I most enjoy about rugby is:
q q a. Laughing at the backs q q b. It’s so easy to cheat q q c. The after match socials q q d. All of the above
Backs:
q q a. Missionary q q b. Anywhere q q c. Way back q q d. Hairdresser 2. 2. Before a match I should always:
q q a. Cry q q b. Iron my shorts q q c. Lay out my evening dress q q d. All of the above 3. 3. If my opponent is laying on the ground I should:
q q a. Cry q q b. Call for a doctor q q c. Skip away from him q q d. Hold his head in my lap until help arrives 4. 4. Whenever I have the ball I should:
q q a. Cry q q b. Throw it way high in the air q q c. Hand it to my opponent so he won’t hit me q q d. At least take a stab at moving it forward 5. 5. The most important thing to have on the pitch is:
q q a. My comb q q b. A handkerchief q q c. Starched Jersey q q d. Clean panties 6. 6. When the Referee says I am “fringing” I:
q q a. Cry q q b. Throw my nose up and skip back into position q q c. Do all three q q d. Have no idea what he is talking about 7. 7. In Rugby a “try” is:
q q a. Something the forwards never do q q b. Something my opponent did several times q q c. I have no idea q q d. A touchdown 8. 8. The thing I most enjoy about rugby is:
q q a. Meeting a lot of nice young men q q b. Dressing up for the socials q q c. The pre-match huddle q q d. All of the above Answers: NO CHEATING: (b,d,c,d,a,c,b,d)
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF RUGBY 1. Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty to get your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this is truly was a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point. 2. Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to transgressions by devils on the other team at the ruck and the maul, and whistles them not. 3. Thou shalt not smite an opponent with a clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly miss the cowardly first punch, only to see the avenging second. Believeth that what goeth around shall surely cometh, and verily, evil men will be found at the bottom of rucks. 4. Thou should not kiss thy teammate on the mouth when he scores; for such is an abomination unto God, especially kisses in tongues, unless you play football with the round white ball and thus it is expected. 5. Thou shalt not take the Word of the Coach in vain, for blessed is the Word of the Coach. Instead, wonder at his mighty wisdom and sticketh to His Game Plan, lest the Coach acquaint you with his disciples coaching in the lower grades. 6. Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be a prop or wear any jersey number below that of 7; for this is an abomination unto the Coach, and surely you will be His at training, perhaps everlasting. 7. Thou shalt not run across the field with ball in hand, but runneth straight ahead upfield; for it is written that the touchline is the best defender. 8. Thou shalt not kick the ball to thine enemies unless it bounceth; for the Spirit of the bounce of the Ball may cause confusion unto them, and if thy heart be pure, make it bounceth back unto you. 9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a teammate about to be smashed by the mighty enemy, unless he owes you money, or has rodgered someone dear to your heart, in which case all is forgiven. 10. Thou shalt not vomit on thy teammates after the game, for this is unmanly, and they could do it unto you.
When a Try's Scored by a Prop It was mid way through the season We were just outside the four And although I know we won it I can't think of the score. But there's one thing I remember And to me it says a lot About the men who front the scrum- The men we call "the props"
We won a hard-fought scrum And the backs went for a run The flankers quickly ripped the ball And the second phase was won. Another maul was duly set To attack them one more time. The forwards pushed and rolled the maul Made sure the work was done The last man in played tight head prop
The ball was pushed in to his hands He held it like a beer Then simply fell to score the try His first in 15 years. Then later, once the game was done He sat amidst the team He led the song and called himself The try-scoring machine. But it wasn't till the night wore on That the truth was finally told
Just three beers in, he'd scored the try and also kicked the goal. At 7 o'clock the try was scored By barging through their pack He carried two men as he scored While stepping 'round a back. By eight he'd run twenty yards Out-sprinting their quick men Then beat their last line of defense With a Jonah Lomu fend.
By nine he'd run near half way And thrown a cut-out pass Then looped around and run again No one was in his class By ten he'd run from end to end His teammates were now bored He chipped and caught it on the full Then swan dived as he scored
By eleven he'd drunk two dozen beers But still his eyes did glisten As he told the story of that try His chest filled up, as he spoke His voice was filled with pride He felt for sure he would be named Next week the captain of the side.
By nights end he was by himself Still taking on his own The lights were out, the bar was shut His mates had all gone home. And that's why I love my front row They simply never stop And why I always lend an ear When a try's scored by a prop
Guinness Stew- A perfect rugby meal Ingredients: 12ozs of Guinness, 2-3lbs cubed beef, 3 or 4 potatoes, 3 onions, 4 carrots, 3 celery sticks, 2 beef bouillon cubes, 1 cup of flour, 1 tablespoon of pepper, 1 tablesppn of salt, 1 tablespoon of pepper, 1 tablespoon of parsley, 1 package of Lipton's mushroom onion soup, 3 tablespoons of vegetable oil, 2 cup of water Instructions: In a mixing bowl combine the 1 cup of flour with 1 tablespoon of pepper and 1 tablespoon of salt and mix. Take the cubed beef and add to the flour. Cover the beef thoroughly with the flour. Take a frying pan and add the 3 tablespoons of vegetable oil, heat on medium. Then take the floured beef and cook the beef in the frying pan until all sides are browned. Next take a large pot, add the 2 cups of water with the 2 beef bouillon cubes, the parsley and heat on low. Once the buoillon cubes dissolve then add the browned beef, the Guinness and stir. Then add the chopped celery sticks, quartered onions and the package of Lipton's soup. Heat for 2 hours covered, stirring occasionally. After 2 to 2 1/2 hours add the rest of the chopped vegetables and stir. The carrots and the potato only take a 1/2 hour to cook. If you like a thick stew, take a tablespoon or two of flour and mix with 1/4 cup of water and stir then add to the stew. This will thicken the stew. Serve with Cornbread and ...what else, but ...Guinness.
A Beer Study Article:
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